Fixing Things: One Active Person At A Time

Series Disclaimer: This series is the result of conversations that I've had with fellow poly leaders, mixed with my own thoughts, experiences, and observations. While it seems that a lot of us have similar experiences and thoughts, these writings do not represent the beliefs of poly leaders as a whole.  These writings are not meant to target specific individuals or organizations, but instead show how "the system" is defunct and needs a lot of TLC and fixing.

From what I've seen on a local level and learned through discussions with my peers, people that identify as polyamorous fall into one of two categories:

• Those that are motivated to actively contribute to "poly", whether it's on a local or national level
• Those that aren't

Once we accept this, everything else fits into place.

As we've seen by applying the law of the vital few, those that are motivated to contribute are in the minority. Many of us struggle at truly leading and instead take on the majority of the work ourselves.  Part of this is due to a lack of experience and training in leadership. Part of this is due to internal insecurities about leading.

The problem of the disproportionate workload goes beyond the leader's inexperience and emotions. In many cases, there's a misalignment between what an active polyamorist thinks the group needs and what "the group" actually needs and wants.  In some cases, the group doesn't have the solid identity as a community that's required to formulate collective member needs.

Herding cats

I've heard that leading a polyamory organization is a lot like cat herding. While I've never officially herded cats, I do own four adorable felines, so I can imagine how herding cats may be difficult.   Cats are fairly independent creatures and will do their own thing unless encountered with something they want (food, attention, etc.). Most polyamorists share the same sense of independence.  While a group may share a basic definition of "polyamory", the members have many ways of applying it to their lives.  The other aspects of their lives are equally as diverse.  The high amount of diversity leads to loose social connections within the group.

It's difficult to build a cohesive sense of community on polyamory alone, or even polyamory and close physical proximity. Sometimes you need other bonds - usually those tied to social identity -  for people to identify with a specific group of people and have a shared sense of community.  Some of these bonds may be left officially unspoken but can be found in the undercurrents of conversation and personal association (religious and political beliefs, shared involvement in other subcultures, hobbies, etc.) .  Others may be explicitly stated, as in the case of TNG groups.

The perils of collective, national organizing

If we continue down our current path with regards to leadership, we will be faced with many hurdles as we transition toward organizing on a national level.

The first is where are people going to find the time to simultaneously tend to their local cat-herding and collaborate with other active poly's that are in the same predicament themselves?  Something's going to give, and it will either lead to further burnout or balls being dropped.

The second issue comes with the collective lack of experience when it comes to leadership, especially multi-level leadership. If active poly's have difficulty delegating tasks or accepting other aspects of leadership, how can they work together as a team of leaders?  How can they trust someone else to act as a leader for them, and how can they trust themselves to be able to lead others?

Without leadership, the collective needs to rely upon consensus for decision-making. That could work if everyone was in agreement on everything.  However, we poly people are a diverse bunch, so it's nearly inevitable that there are going to be different perspectives on the issue that needs to be decided upon. To create consensus, some (or everyone) will need to concede on various issues in order to create a compromise that everyone agrees to. While this system creates the "win" of a mutually greed upon solution, each individual still "lost" through giving up a portion of what they wanted. This loss lessens the person's buy-in to the final solution, and therefore decreases the likelihood of stuff actually getting done.

Common excuse after a consensus session: "Yeah, the group agreed on that, but I really didn't want that so why should I do it?"

There's more (yes, it sounds like an infomercial now).

The third problem is that if someone has something at stake (like their time/energy), they may be passionate enough to argue their stance. Multiple people arguing their position = conflict.  In order for the conflict to be constructive, the people discussing the issue need to be somewhat competent in communication and negotiation. They also need to have enough emotional mastery to keep themselves in check, lest they push the dialogue to a destructive level.  This could lead to one of two possibilities: destructive conflict and drama, or a sense of artificial harmony in order to keep peace within the group. In the latter case, again, people aren't able to voice their concerns and therefore don't feel a commitment to act.

Bottom line - the end result is that if things are left unchanged, and there are more formal attempts to organize on a national level, stuff won't get done.  If it does get done, it'll probably be at the hands of a concentrated few rather than be a group effort.

If you're in a national poly organizing group, ask yourself what the group is specifically trying to accomplish.Not mission/vision stuff; I'm talking about specific projects.  What was agreed upon, who is doing what, and when is it supposed to be done? What is your specific role?  If the overall projects have been lost in ambiguity, you may be in the midst of a dysfunctional team.

A possible solution - placing the horse before the cart

How can an active person get anything done?  Simple answer: be selfish.

Why?  Pardon my WoW-geekery (for those of my readers who don't play video games). I'm going to let Illadin Stormrage speak the simple truth here:

I can have a weird sense of humor at times ;)

No, seriously, in order to become an effective active person, stop thinking of all the cool projects you can do and focus on yourself first.  There's a lot that you need to learn, and the subject of learning is yourself.

What Do You Want For Yourself?

In their book, Moral Intelligence, authors Doug Lennick and Fred Kiel show how each of us has specific values - ideals that we consider important.  While we may have shared principles (beliefs that transcend time and culture), sets of values are unique to each individual. By understanding which ideals you value, you can better understand your personal moral code, or "moral compass".   In order to live in alignment (be true to yourself), you need to consciously think and act in ways that line up with your moral compass. This is where conscious planning comes into play. The exercise of WDYWFY, or "What Do You Want For Yourself" helps you identify your personal values and identify goals that help you live a life that's true to what you want.

Why is that important? Once you determine what you want for yourself  and start building a plan for how to achieve it, you know what "extra" time and energy you have to devote to other things.

Finding Your Strengths

There's another aspect to you that is equally as unique as the set of values you embrace: your strengths.  Throughout our childhood, we each developed a specific set of talents.  When we identify those talents and hone our abilities in them, they become our personal strengths.  Focusing on our strengths, rather than attempting to be well rounded, allows us to appreciate our individual uniqueness. This opens us up to relying on each other to achieve a common goal.

Mastering Your Emotions

Another field of psychology that has made its way into the business world is the study of emotional intelligence.  Humans are simultaneously logical and emotional creatures.  Without self-awareness and discipline, our emotional side can overcome our logical side, clouding our vision and altering what we say and do.  There's at least one book that talks about common irrational behaviors that we take part in (partly due to emotions taking over in certain situations).

While some scientists argue over attempts to quantify and measure emotional intelligence, the corresponding discipline of self-mastery is still useful.  These systems not only allow us to better understand our own emotions and maintain control of our actions, but they allow us to connect with others on an emotional level to inspire them to act with us towards a shared vision of the future.

When we take time to understand our values, desires, strengths, and emotions, we will be better able to live balanced lives.  We can then devote more of our time and effort into actively developing a poly culture, either on a local scale or larger. We will also be empowered to consciously select where to channel our energy rather than simply "go with the flow".  If multiple, active poly people ground themselves in a similar fashion, they will better able to work as a team towards their shared goals.

Some parting words for the active poly types

If you're active within a poly organization and are frustrated by 'what's going on', consider a trial separation period. If there's a disconnect between what you want for them and what they want for themselves, take a step back.  It's not going to be the end of the world. It doesn't mean you failed. It may simply mean that your values are incompatible with the intentions of the group.  The "time off" will allow you to relax, center yourself, and assess where you should be focusing your time and energy.  The gap in support/activity may jolt the collective into deciding what it truly needs for itself, or the group may not react to the change at all.

Take some time to focus on yourself. Take some time to identify and reflect upon your values to determine what you truly want out of life. Identify your personal strengths. Learn the different aspects of emotional mastery. Once you achieve a certain level of self awareness, you should be able to figure out what role you want to play in furthering polyamory within society.

Seek out fellow active poly's that are also interested in understanding and developing themselves. Even if you have different ideas and opinions, you will be on the same page as them. You will have a common language for describing values and strengths, so everyone has a better chance of understanding where everyone else is coming from.  This level of vulnerability (understanding strengths/weaknesses/values) is one of the core steps in developing a cohesive team.

Work with one or more coaches. Sometimes, the good need help to become great.  Athletes rely on personal trainers and coaches so that they can excel on the field. A coach can help to objectively identify areas that you should focus on, and can hold you accountable to your goals for personal growth and mastery.  If you're looking for a coach, I have three that I recommend:

• Reid Mihalko
• Beki Rosenthal, aka Miss Polyamory
• Mark Michael Lewis, aka The Thrive Coach and creator of The Game of Thriving

We need active people in order create an environment where polyamory is accepted within society.  This means that us active types need to develop ourselves so that we're not only able to be more effective at what we do, but that we can focus on what we want to do rather than what we think we need to do. The reward for our efforts is that we get to shape what the future looks like.