Practical Polyamory

I've witnessed or experienced cheating from just about every perspective over the years, and those experiences are the main reason I'm a polyamorist. I saw how much pain was caused by cheating, whether when my dad cheated on my mom, my friend on her husband, my second husband on me or me on my first husband. The betrayal of trust is devastating and very difficult to repair. I learned this lesson the hard way, as do so many of us.

This is why in my workshops when this issue comes up I like to take what I call a loving "come to Jesus" approach to people who are in cheating situations, i.e. convince them of the importance of being ethical, which demands honesty, even if there is a lot to lose, i.e. the marriage, money, and child custody. I tell them that it will surely be even worse if they get caught cheating.

So many people think they can cheat and get away with it, but they are rationalizing in order to achieve an end result. In reality chances are good that the longer the secret behavior goes on, the greater the chances they will get caught. And when they do, trust, that essential ingredient for healthy relationships, is so destroyed that it takes long, hard work to repair it, if it's even feasible. Sometimes the hurt the cuckolded spouse/partner feels makes it just too tough to summon up the good will, love, and forgiveness necessary to make the needed repairs.

I think it's also worth examining the culture we live in and the role cultural influences play as to the huge percentage of people who have affairs. We are told that finding our one true love and living happily ever after is a reasonable expectation.  Little do we realize that this is not a likely end result - over the long term it's pretty much a crap shoot. And "till death do us part" is a LOT longer than it used to be. 100 years or so ago the average life expectancy was 49 years.  Today it's 78 years - that's a LONG time for one partner and one relationship to meet all our important needs, especially considering how fast needs and the world change these days. I'm not saying it can't be done or even that it isn't a valid choice - it is - but instead I'm recognizing the extent of the challenge.

There is lots of scientific evidence to support that humans evolved biologically to pair bond in order to conceive and protect children, but non-exclusively.  For prehistoric humans the desire to spread around reproductive resources meant a better chance of survival of the species, not that any of this was by conscious choice.

In the beginning of new love, brain chemistry creates limerence, that electric attraction a/k/a falling in love or NRE - new relationship energy, as we poly people call it. Early on we humans have sex like bunny rabbits, can't keep our hands off each other, and until the advent of reliable birth control, that sort of reproductive behavior was indeed successful.  But it's also known that after a few years of this, brain chemistry changes, and that hot attraction cools. Almost all of us have been there. Yet instead of being attracted to no one by that time, we find we are still attracted, but more to others who are shiny and new.

The new book Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan, Ph.D. and Cacilda Jethá, M.D., who are married to each other, is getting tons of attention for revealing the truth about why it is that we stray. Others have written about this as well (Anthropologists David Barash and Eve Lipton, as well as Helen Fisher) but have tended to say that none of it should be used to support behavior that is not monogamous, since we have free will.  I think that's a big cop out designed to dodge taking heat for being the messenger.  Ryan and Jethá resist the urge to spin the information in favor of monogamy, which is a huge step forward for we polyamorists, having had little if anything to point to to illustrate the validity of open and honest responsible non-monogamy as an alternative to traditional monogamy.

There's an old saying: "Mommy's baby, Daddy's maybe." And again, the statistics bear it out. DNA testing proves that the father of a baby isn't the one listed on the birth certificate something like an average of 30% of the time across cultures. 

I'm not excusing cheating, not at all, but I think we do have to realize that our culture puts us in a hell of a tight spot, one that demands that we resist some very real human urges.  A person who is feeling the need for variety or to get their kink on or whatever it is that is missing is told, natural urges notwithstanding, that their only ethical choice is to give up what may well be otherwise a perfectly good relationship in order to fulfill those needs.  They are told they must throw it all away and start over, with all the pain and suffering and expense that entails, or they have to make do with what they have.  Never can they have it all, both the companionship of a life partnership and pair bond plus the variety they also desire.  It's the perfect setup for cheating.  Being the natural rationalizers we are, we tell ourselves that if we're careful we won't get caught and proceed to try to have it all but on the down low.  It's a rotten deal, and organized religion has a lot of responsibility for it.

I will never again live monogamously, at least not without maintaining polyamory as a legitimate option should I desire it.  It took some grappling with fear of loss for a while, but today I see that embracing my partners' desire to have the freedom to love and/or experience intimacy with others is a gift of love that they return with love and appreciation. This secures my place in their hearts in a way that no amount of cultural imperative via monogamy ever shall.

We've known for a long time that the Oprah Winfrey Show was going to feature true polyamory at some point, and it looks like they've finally decided to give it a go. Below is their call for interview subjects. If you decide to respond, please, please go to the Polyamory Media Association website for valuable resources in preparing for the interview. PMA is run by knowledgeable volunteers who will not tell you what to say but instead help you maximize the benefit of what you do say so it is more likely to be a pleasant, positive experience.

This is a very exciting development considering the size of Oprah's audience, and, therefore, the number of people who we have a chance to influence in a positive way.  So from a polyamory activism point, this could be huge! 

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Are You in a 3 Person Relationship?

Are you CURRENTLY in a successful romantic relationship with two other people? Are you living in the same home, have children, go to work, but you come home to two partners?

Your triad (sometimes called a "thruple") could be:

1 man, 2 women

1 woman, 2 men

3 men or 3 women

The Oprah Show is looking for three people living under the same roof, in a romantic relationship, to come on national television and talk about how they work as a threesome.

We want to know: How did you all three meet? How long have you been together? How does it work? Like? Dislike? Is there jealousy? Do you sleep in the same bed? Does sex always have to include the three partners?

Please fill out the form on this web page  and an Oprah producer may be calling you.

Earlier this year I had the pleasure and privilege of making educational videos based on two of the workshops I give for the webside KinkAcademy.com which is the brainchild of the lovely Princess Kali.  As of today all three segments of the poly/mono relationships program are now available for viewing, as well as the first segment of the jealousy program.  You can browse them from a link on my faculty page.  It costs about $10 per month to join the website and get access, but don't be shy about visiting, there's some great free content, too.  Still, considering how much even better information that joining up gives you access to, it's a real bargain. 
There are other teachers who speak about non-monogamous relationships as well, like Sarah Sloane, Dan and Dawn Williams, and M. Makael Newby.  And, of course, there is a huge, amazing amount of content from some of the best educators in kinky practices anywhere.

The last two years for Jenny Block must have surely been an exhiliarating ride. Jenny is the author of Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage, published summer 2008, her courageous memoir of being a mainstream wife, mom and writer who, with the full knowledge and cooperation of her husband and with his and their daughter's best interests at heart, opened her marriage. Ultimately she added a long-term relationship with her girlfriend who is considered a part of their family.

Since that time Jenny has been busy.  She's made the rounds doing readings from her book and being interviewed on the topic of open relationships and polyamory. She won a Lambda Literary Award in the bisexual category.  She's appeared on national TV talk shows (for example, Fox's Mornings with Mike and Juliet) and TV news magazines (ABC's 20/20, defending responsible non-monogamy in a seventh Commandment debate on adultery with evangelical Christian ministers in the presence of a very large evangelical Christian audience), syndicated radio programs, in print newspapers and in online venues. Along the way she's blogged on sex and relationships for Huffington Post and - what a pleasant surprise - now writes FoxNews.com's weekly sexual health column, Fox on Sex. Her latest column is Cheating: It's Not the Sex, It's the Lying, and it is fantastic. Jenny offers excellent advice on why, whether monogamous or otherwise, it's necessary to communicate clearly with our partner(s) and come to an understanding as to what specific behaviors with others are permitted and which ones are to be off limits.

Those who attend my workshops know how often I emphasize the importance of trust as key to building healthy, happy, functional polyamorous relationships, and as Jenny points out, this is important in ALL intimate relationships. Our monogamy-focused society creates expectations in us that few really think about, much less discuss with the people they love and are committed to.

Some people may not be phased by their love engaging in a bit of flirtation at a cocktail party, while another may be livid about it - who is to know for sure where the line is that shouldn't be crossed if this isn't thought about and discussed? I'm not talking about angry accusations and blaming, that's not effective communication. But I am saying that discussing it before it happens is going to be a lot less difficult than doing so after it does.  For one thing, even if it's an uncomfortable discussion, the trust you share is intact and more likely to stay intact if boundaries and expectations are clearly acknowledged between you. 

Obviously it's less likely that people in stable polyamorous relationships are going to object to a partner's flirtation with others, but I've known plenty to end up in conflict for having failed to establish a clear understanding of each other's expectations.

For example, conflicts have been known to arise between poly partners due to differing views over what constitutes "sex."   If:

• Poly partner A agrees to tell poly partner B if they have sex with someone new,
• Poly partner A's definition of "sex" requires penitration to qualify, while
• Poly partner B's definition also includes making out and manual stimulation/foreplay,
• It is easy to predict that it's merely a matter of time before the drama begins.

So whether you are in a monogamous relationship or an open or polyamorous one, talk to your partner(s) and be gently direct about your feelings and point of view. The more you are honest with each other, the better your agreements will hold up and serve your purposes, especially when it really counts, and the more solid the trust you share will be. Jenny rightly says that it's not the sex, it's the lying. But it's also about the omissions. Either way, honesty and transparency will go a long way toward preventing damage to the trust that is vital to keep any relationship sound and happy.

To put it more bluntly, don't be stupid. Never, ever secretly rationalize breaking an agreement and crossing an established boundary as a means to have who you desire while expecting to avoid a potential confrontation with a partner. You are playing with a fire that in the blink of an eye will destroy the trust required for your relationship to be happy. Before you know it you are in deep relationship trouble, a kind of trouble that will require hard work for a long time to repair the damage done. Erase from your memory forever that old saw about it being easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. It's a lie, especially in this case. For the vast majority of people it will not be worth it. Trust me, I've been there.

What an interesting development!  Last year MTV's True Life episode on polyamory profiled an MFF poly vee relationship in NYC and a poly quad in Charlotte, NC.  You can read about it in more detail here.  Now there is news that True Life has returned to Charlotte a year later to see what's up these days with Jeremy Eudy, Thomas Freyre, Jim Messaros and Chris Morgan.

Last time around this was a triad - looks like Thomas, Jim and Christ added their fourth partner, Jeremy, in the interim.  The triad was struggling to find their way in dealing with conflicts that commonly arise in new poly relationships, what I call riding the poly rollercoaster (with attendant highs and lows).  I'm crossing my fingers for them and hoping that they were able to sort things out and make it work.  Time (and apparently MTV) will tell, and I very much look forward to watching this follow-up episode of True Life.  No word yet on when it will be broadcast.

Congratulations to Australian researcher and author Dr. Maria Pallotta-Chiarolli for winning the Lambda Literary Award in a tie for her bisexual and polyamory themed fictional book, Love You Two.   I've read this book and enjoyed it immensely.  It is about a teenage girl who accidentally discovers that her mother is polyamorous - she has a boyfriend in addition to her husband, and all three partners are open and honest about the situation . . . . This book deals with issues such as teenage sex, date rape, bisexuality, homosexuality, polyamory, and rainbow families in a sensitive and subtle way. Despite its themes, it is suitable for reading by teenagers and possibly younger children if their parents feel they are mature enough.
The book tied for the award in Bisexual Fiction with Holy Communion by Mykola Dementiuk. 
For those in the NYC area the celebration of the arts in the bisexual community continues with 'Bi Lines III: a Celebration of Bisexual Writing in Reading, Music & Culture tonight at 7:30PM at NYC's LGBT Community Services Center, 208 West 13th Street in NYC's West Village
This is the second Lambda Literary win for books with polyamory themes, the first being Jenny Block's win in the bisexual non-fiction category for her book Open:  Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage in 2008.

So lately I've been getting into a new ensemble comedy series on the Starz premium cable network called Party Down, about a group of people who work for a catering company by that name. It stars, amongst others, the awesome Megan Mullally (sans that awful nasally voice she did on Will & Grace) and rising star Lizzy Caplan who played Jason Stackhouse's hippie girlfriend, Amy Burley, in Season 1 of True Blood.   Each episode of Party Down is the story of what happens at an event they are catering.  In this week's episode #204, they are catering a wake given by the family of a prominent, newly-deceased African American businessman. 

SPOILER ALERT - If you think you may see this show and don't want to know ahead of time what happens in episode 204, read no further. If you want to know more or just don't care either way, scroll down a bit....


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SO! Present at the wake is, of course, the deceased's widow and his daughter.  The daughter hired and is the liaison to the Party Down staff.  We learn fairly early on that these ladies have an expectation that representatives from "the Phoenix office" of the deceased's employer would attend to pay their respects, and there's resentment when it seems no one has been sent to honor their dead executive who over the years spent a lot of time away from home working in that office.

A pretty blonde woman with a mixed race teenaged son arrives, and someone assumes she is the rep of a homeless shelter who is expected to pick up extra food being donated to the shelter.  But she is distraught, and it is soon obvious that she is not from the homeless shelter and knew the deceased VERY well.  The hostess/daughter figures this out and orders the caterers to do something to keep the deceased's paramour from encountering the widow and tipping her off that her dead husband had had another family stashed away. 

Daughter and staff cook up a scheme where the mistress is introduced to the widow as a representative from the Phoenix office.  The mistress manages to play it cool until she walks up to the casket and starts bawling.  She recovers somewhat and just as she is introduced to the widow as being from the Phoenix office, someone who is REALLY from the Phoenix office shows up and says to the widow something like, "We wanted to convey our condolences.  Though we only saw him a few times a year, your husband was well respected ...."  Yadee yadee yadee.... 

At this point a look of realization comes over the widow's face, and naturally everyone thinks the sh*t is about to hit the fan.  But instead of the widow freaking out, imagine my surprise and delight when she says very pleasantly something along the lines of "Oh, you must be her!  Well, I'm so glad you could come by.  This must be your son.  What a fine looking boy.  You know I always thought you'd be Asian, he always liked the Asian girls.  Anyway, we so appreciate your being here."  At this point she turns to her daughter and the catering staffers and says with a smile:

"Thank goodness he and I had an open marriage.  We never would have lasted if we hadn't!"
Of course, everyone is left standing with their mouths agape, not believing what they've just heard (while I'm sitting at home clapping and cheering), as the widow strolls away chatting with another guest.  As awesome as that all is, there's still more - the episode closes with the arrival of a pretty Asian woman and HER racially mixed teenaged son. 

You can see a couple of clips from episode 204 here, though none of them references this part of the story line.  Otherwise, all I can say to this is THANK YOU MO' NIQUE!