Poly Weekly

Listener M writes in with a dilemma: what do you do when you love your girlfriend but hate your metamour?

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

• Welcome to our cohost, LustyGuy. Can you tell which Scotch he is sipping?

1:50 Topic: I hate my metamour!

M writes in to say that he finds his girlfriend’s new partner so repulsive that he hates the guy, which is not helped by the fact that the girlfriend revealed that the partner is trapped in a sexless marriage and believes that M and girlfriend are moving too quickly.

• A drama queen? Much of the negative information on the partner (“Scary Clown”) came to M secondhand from the girlfriend. Always question why your girlfriend chooses to reveal unflattering information about a metamour secondhand. Is there a need for drama on her part? Relationship management skills are needed here.
• Open lines of communication there is no line of communication open between Scary Clown and M. Of course he feels uncomfortable.
• Responsibilities of the point The person at the point of the vee (here, the girlfriend) has additional responsibilities in terms of nurturing healthy relationships and conveying only the most relevant and supportive information to partners. However, this person should NEVER agree to act as mediator between the other two parties.
• Setting boundaries the people at the edges of the vee need to set boundaries and be careful to express what they need rather than a simple “I don’t like so-and-so.” For that matter, the person at the point of the vee also needs to set boundaries such as “No saying that M and I aren’t good as a couple. That’s not supportive, and I won’t tolerate it.”

19:45 Feedback

Wayne writes in about an NPR piece on breasts. Audio and transcripts are here.

24:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Is it OK to list my relationship status as “open” on Facebook if my girlfriend isn’t out publicly?

This question came up in the Poly Weekly inbox this week. It’s one we’ve touched on on the podcast several times, but it’s worth a quick evaluation here on the blog as well. Social networking sites such as Facebook have really changed the definition of being “out.” Facebook currently has over 800 million users, Twitter has 250 million and even budding visual social site Pinterest crossed the 10 million user mark faster than any other site in history.

And since Facebook is notorious for having complicated privacy settings that are difficult to navigate and not entirely guaranteed to ensure privacy levels, online privacy on social sites is a growing concern.

Now, in general, I’m not a fan of being too much in the closet. Unlike sexual orientation, however, polyamory isn’t a legally protected orientation. Practitioners can be fired or not hired due to their lifestyle and have no legal recourse. So keep in mind that apart from your family and friends discovering orientation through Facebook, your employment status may be at risk as well. After all, Facebook is the second most trafficked site in the world, and many recruiters use Facebook as a recruiting tool; it would be irresponsible of them not to take all the information available into consideration for future employment. (And users benefit from using Facebook for job hunting, too–that same infographic shows that 48% of job seekers have performed at least one job hunting activity on Facebook in the last year and that 16% received a job referral from a Facebook friend.)

Outside of Facebook, it’s also true that any responsible employer will Google new prospects and have access to any of your personal information that is publicly available, including anything you might have posted about your religion, sexual orientation, political views, and medical status. It’s not legal for an employer to ask for this information, but it is legal to Google a prospective employee and peruse publicly available information.

So this is a case where your boyfriend’s openness could in fact affect not only your private family life but your ability to remain employed as well. Personally, I solved this issue by keeping two Facebook accounts–one vanilla one in which I’m listed as “single” and so can talk about dating, and my Minx account, which lists my open status and LustyGuy as my boyfriend (who links to his wife). However, I wouldn’t recommend that for most people. It’s cumbersome to manage two Facebook accounts and frankly wouldn’t be worth the effort for most users.

But the truth is that the internet and social sites such as Facebook have indeed changed things. Your boyfriend’s public open status does affect you in many ways, not the least of which is that now anyone with mutual Facebook friends can discover you are poly. For most people, this might be a public embarrassment or cause some eyebrow raises at the office or at Thanksgiving, nothing more. If that’s the case, no worries. But keep in mind that in addition to your your mom and grandma being able to discover your open status, that bitter ex-husband might also see that Facebook status. And unfortunately, that documentation has been used in child custody cases to argue against a person being a fit parent.

I don’t mean to be too gloom and doom here. The point is that since data lives forever online and Facebook has shameful privacy policies, it is perfectly acceptable–nay, it’s your responsibility–to discuss public online disclosures of your relationship status in order to protect your own privacy.

A good rule of thumb is the “grandmother rule”: assume that every piece of information you are putting online will be read by the one person you don’t want to see it (i.e., your grandma). Also, ask permission before posting any public information about a partner. It is a good idea to ask before you post:

• Location information
• Relationship status
• Photos
• Information about dates, parties or events

I’m curious about how others handle privacy and posting to social networks and other Googleable information. What is your policy?

Thoughts on marriage as a conscious relationship and lifestyle choice rather than the default or the result of peer pressure

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:20 News and host chat

• OpenSF is June 8-10 in San Francisco
• Miami Polyamory on FetLife

3:10 Topic: Marriage as a conscious choice

A recent Huffington Post personal essay questioning marriage as peer pressure in the 20-30 age range as well as:

• The possibility that even with a lot of love and communication, it might not be enough and the marriage might need to end
• The groupthink that marriage is hard but always worth it
• The lack of alternative relationship choices
• Marriage as the default rather than a custom option

20:20 Feedback on episode 316 Queer as a verb

• Alyssa writes in to say “Sometimes the radical, panties-in-a-bunch, queers need to chill the fuck out, and what better way to chill out than to realize that something you revolve your life around isn’t a big deal to EVERYONE!”
• Vir writes in to say that I’ve queered my relationship and my sex life (through kink/fetishes)

24:10 Thanks

Thanks to Meg for the donation this week!

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Dr. Tammy Nelson shares how the world of online dating, social media and texting has changed marriage and monogamy

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

2:00 The New Monogamy with Dr. Tammy Nelson

Dr. Tammy Nelson, therapist and author of a soon-to-be-released book on The New Monogamy, answers questions on the new state of monogamy:

• Has marriage gone out of fashion?
• How has online dating affected marriage?
• Do those who identify as monogamous need to expect infidelity?
• Are Facebook and texting to blame for affairs?
• Are affairs actually good for a marriage?
• What is the new monogamy?

31:40 Feedback

Jess writes in to thank PW for helping her poly family through the introduction of HPV and the tools to help the group be level-headed and talk openly and honestly.

Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Franklin Veaux and Minx discuss listener feedback, advice and anecdotes around creating rules and boundaries to apply to polyamorous relatiomships

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

CatalystCon is September 14-16 in Long Beach. Respond to the call for speakers.

2:40 Topic: Rules Redux

Franklin Veaux and Minx respond to listener feedback about the rules episode.

• Sean wrote in with the rules his partner imposed on him after an incident
• J wrote in to clarify the difference between rules that promote discussion versus rules that are designed to bind behavior
• Isaac asked about D/s rules
• Jonathan asked for rules when he began dating and got these: “We will trust you if you are trustworthy. We will believe you if you are honest. We will listen if you speak openly. We will communicate if you listen. You’ll have to write any other rules you need yourself because when all is said and done you are the only one that is going to limit your actions. Oh by the way we’ll have a surprise ready here; bring your date home if you want.”
• Vir shared a quote on boundaries

36:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Dr. Charlie Glickman on using “queer” as a verb rather than an adjective or noun; the origins of Good Vibrations

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

• OpenSF is June 8-10 in San Francisco

3:20 Interview: Dr. Charlie Glickman

Dr. Glickman teaches how to teach sexuality topics to adults and runs the workshops and outreach at Good Vibrations as well as the social media and web presence; he’s speaking on “Queer as a Verb” and approaching “queering” as a practice as opposed to who you have sex with. What do the mainstream-identified need to know about the queer identity in order to understand, tolerate and help; how to play with the edges; how Good Vibes came about (when women started buying toys and wouldn’t tolerate shoddy craftsmanship!).

17:45 Thanks

Thanks to Joseph for the one-time donation and welcome Clinton to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Freshly returned from MomentumCon, a recap of the sessions on feminism, sexuality and sex-positivism today. Plus, using “what would monogamists do?” as a guiding question.

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 News and host chat

• MomentumCon wrap up
• Feminist porn panel with Carol Queen, Tina Horn, Lynn Comella and Sinammon Love
• Dirty Bingo with Ducky Doolittle and getting rubs from Miss Darling
• Bedpost Confessions showcase with Sadie Smythe, Julie Gillis, Mia Martina and one more
• Dr. Tammy Nelson, author of The New Monogamy
• Rebecca Chalker, author of The Clitoral Truth and Lara Riscol gave a feminist history in profiling the new Pleasure Revolution
• Kitty Stryker and Maggie on the issue of non-consent and how we support victims while supporting the BDSM community
• Blown away by the closing panel with Dr. Joceyln Elders, former US Surgeon General; Lara Riscol and Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity
• Thanks to Anita Wagner for organizing Dinner and Drinks with Cunning Minx!
• New magazine on sex positivity and science: Interplay
• Great finding out about Samantha Fraser’s Playground conference
• 19:30 Pink Therapy in the UK

20:45 Topic: What would monogamists do?

A listener writes in to ask how to act around her partner’s OSO (metamour) and challenges the What Would Monogamists Do guiding question. How much flirting is OK around your SO and OSO, and how should you act towards your metamour in social situations?

29:30 Happy Poly Moment

• Summersnake shares a moment of compersion when sending his wife off to spend time with her sweetie
• Don writes in to share compersion and joy at his partner’s meeting the metamours

33:25 Feedback

Taylor on controlled male orgasms through controlling the flow of chi

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

An interview with Lee Harrington, spiritual and erotic educator and author, on where rituals and labels come from and what we need to know about their meaning

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and Host chat

• Live from MomentumCon!
• Fantastic opening with lesbian comedienne Maria Falzone following by a bang-up panel with Carol Queen, Logan Levkoff, Audacia Ray Charlie Glickman and Bill Taverner. Tess Danesi and Dee Dennis of TiedUpEvents did a fantastic job producing this event!
• KinkFest’s beautifully organized dungeon
• OpenSF is June 6-8 at Holiday Inn Golden Gateway in San Francisco
• NW PolyCamp is August 24-27, Millersylvania State Park in Washington

8:15 Interview: Lee Harrington on rituals and labels

Lee Harrington is a spiritual and erotic educator, gender explorer, eclectic artist and published author and editor on human sexuality and spiritual experience. He is a nice guy with a disarmingly down to earth approach to the fact that we are each beautifully complex ecosystems, and we deserve to examine the human experience from that lens.

Harrington on the importance of recognizing that the label we use is rooted in our own experience and might not carry the same meaning for others in the community. Also, what is a ritual, what meaning does it carry and why are rituals important (or not)?

Latest book: Sacred Kink, the Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond

Listen to Lee at Erotic Awakening podcast

36:40 Host chat

A quick story on LustyGuy’s and Minx’s KinkFest experience.

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

It is always my divine pleasure to present on just about any topic at MomentumCon, one of my favorite sex-positive events. It’s always chock-full of luminaries and sexy thought leaders with forward-looking ideas and insights. Great stuff!

My talk this year was a little more down and dirty. Based on the research you guys helped me conduct, I created a deck of guidelines based on the biggest complaints users made regarding sex-positive community sites such as FetLife. Without further ado, here it is: How Not to Be a Douche on FetLife.

Why Ecstasy is Necessary

An interview with Barbara Carrellas, author of Ecstasy is Necessary, on making tantric sex available to everyone on an everyday basis

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen

1:00 Announcements and Host chat

• Live from KinkFest!
• OpenCon Catalonia is May 25-27
• OpenSF is June 8-10 at Holiday Inn Golden Gateway

3:50 Interview: Why ecstasy is necessary

Barbara Carrellas is a certified sexologist, sex educator, sex/life coach, and sensual
revolutionary. She is the author of a new book on tantra for the everyday user, Ecstasy is Necessary She answers Minx’s and LustyGuy’s questions, such as:

• Why another book on tantra? How is this book more accessible and less woo-woo?
• Isn’t tantra just breathing together for two hours and not coming?
• What is “thinking off” and can you really breathe your way to an orgasm?
• How can tantra be achieved with our distracted monkey minds?
• 16:00 LustyGuy switchover!
• What about the science and medical information in the book, which is remarkably detailed and accurate?
• Why is it important that there isn’t one true path to ecstasy?
• Was it intentional that the book is directed at everyone, not just the kink and woo-woo communities?
• Angergasms, screamgasms and feargasms

24:35 Thanks

Thanks and welcome to new PW Playmates James and Haddayr as well as to Tara for the generous donations!

26:30 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

The power of introverts; female orgasms from exercise at the gym

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Introduction

Under-18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen.

1:00 News and host chat

• OpenCon Catalonia will be in Spain May 25-27
• OpenSF is June 6-8 at Holiday Inn Golden Gateway in San Francisco
• I’ll be at Kinkfest in Portland, OR March 23-25
• And speaking at MomentumCon in D.C. March 29-April 1

10:00 Topic: The Power of Introverts

Susan Cain’s TED talk on the power of introverts and how to maximize individual creative thinking. The loudest person isn’t always the wisest, but work environments cater to extroverts.

15:00 Topic: Orgasms at the Gym

A new study shows that women can orgasm without sexual stimulation just from certain types of exercise.

20:45 Feedback: Episode 309 on the myth of sex addiction

• Stabbity thanks Ley for making the connection with nymphomania about pathologizing certain behavior
• Vir comments on the pathologization of sex addiction promoting both a double standard and keeping men from taking responsibility for their sexual bad choices

24:55 Thanks

To BobBe for the kinky $69 donation. And welcome Maura to the Playmates!

25:30 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Franklin and Minx tackle the rule dilemma: do rules work in poly relationships?

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Introduction

Under 18 warning and redirection to Scarleteen.

1:00 News and host chat

• Atlanta Poly Weekend happened March 9-11
• Hong Kong Sex Festival
• Stanley Siegel pulled from Psychology Today for being “too graphic”
• I’ll be at Kinkfest in Portland, OR March 23-25
• And speaking at MomentumCon in D.C. March 29-April 1

7:00 Topic: Rules? We don’t need no stinkin’ rules!

Guest cohost Franklin Veaux has written extensively on why rules don’t work in poly relationships. And I agree; rules tend to be a substitute for actual communication and a fairly powerless shield against insecurity. Why most poly rules don’t work and advice on what to do instead of creating hard and fast rules.

38:10 Thanks

To Charlie for the $69 donation. We love that amount!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Does one have to self-identify as poly in advance of a situation in order for polyamory to work?

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Introduction

1:00 News and host chat

2:00 Topic: Poly by Orientation vs Poly by Situation

Should I be poly? This question is often asked, and a recent BlogHer essay questioning whether monogamy is the ultimate form of love or a restraint on one’s sexual freedom is better brought up the question: is polyamory a solution to a relationship with no intimacy?

• Is poly of zero benefit to a monogamous-identified partner of someone who would like to be poly?
• Does “Poly by Situation” ever work?
• 11:20 What is required for a Poly by Situation effort to work out: every partner is fully committed, everyone voices their fears and doubts at every turn, no veto power

13:15 Feedback

• Poly as open book not blaring radio
• 14:30 Charlie in Hong Kong calls in with comments about the show, frubble and gifts
• Sarah on the autonomy-intimacy scale from episode 304

26:30 Wrap up
Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Sex addiction as a celebrity diagnosis is all the rage. But is it real?

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Introduction

1:00 News and host chat

• Atlanta Poly Weekend is coming up March 9-11
• Want another poly podcast? Check out Pedestrian Polyamory!

5:00 Interview: the Myth of Sex Addiction

Dr. David Ley is a clinical psychologist and the author of a new book on sex addiction to be released next week!

• First book was Insatiable Wives about permissive female infidelity and the hotwife lifestyle
• Why the book was necessary
• Is “sex addiction” just a label for celebrities who have more sex than me?
• If sex is a biological imperative, how can it be an addiction?
• Why has this arisen in our culture now, this idea that people can be addicted to sex? What brought this about?
• TigressBooks asks: but is this behavior typical of alpha male? Not pathological, but personality type?
• Nissyen asks: there are lots of compulsive behaviors. Does sex gets the addiction label because it’s so culturally taboo to be promiscuous?
• Irish8m asks: isnt any action/behavior done to a degree that pushes other aspects of life out of balance an “addiction,” including sex?

References: the History of Nymphomania

39:00 Happy Poly Moment

• Kit shares a happy poly moment about his wife getting a date she wanted
• Funny poly moment from Clint and Kat in New Zealand

44:00 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Rose Crompton of Vibrations Direct asked about poly, podcasting and my favorite sex toys. It was a fun interview and ended with my best advice for those approaching nonmonogamy for the first time.

Read the full interview here

Giving poly a go? My top tips for poly newbies:

Be prepared to meet parts of yourself you didn’t know about. You will find insecurities you didn’t know were there, and you’ll experience joy in ways you never knew you could.

Be patient with yourself and your partner(s). Remember your first attempts at monogamy weren’t perfect, either.

Worry less about rules and more about what you have to offer. As with monogamous dating, people with lots of rules and criteria rarely find what they seek, and those who are open-minded and easygoing find unexpected pleasures.

Own your shit – by this I mean baggage. If you’re not strong enough to say, “I was wrong,” “I need to bring something up” or “my last STI test came up positive,” you aren’t ready for poly. Being confident enough to own your own baggage and brave enough to start tough conversations is essential.

Start from a healthy place. Get your existing relationships healthy first. The ‘relationship broken; add more people’ model almost never works. You will have to trust your partner to tell you when you’re love-goggling, when he’s feeling jealous and when you aren’t pulling your weight.

Get a support network. Seek out local communities of real people who have real-life experience with polyamory and its ups and downs; having trusted contacts who’ve been there and can provide advice and a sympathetic ear is invaluable.

Read the full interview here.

Being poly in America February 2012–how did the world treat nonmonogamy this Valentine’s Day?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News and host chat

• Thanks for your patience with the audio—think we’ve fixed it

4:20 Topic: Being poly in February 2012 for Valentine’s Day

Poly in the media and how love and relationships are being viewed for this year’s Valentine’s Day.

• Snap Judgment did a show called Sugar and Spice; segment 7 is the story of a polygamous sister wife
• New York Times did a great article on open marriage’s 15 minutes of fame after Newt Gingrich’s mention of it
• To counter a previous, dysfunctional relationship described in a Salon article, Sierra Black shared a personal essay on her simple, quiet poly life
• And just for fun, Stanley Siegel’s Psychology Today column is on guys’ relationships with their cocks

22:10 Feedback

• Musqurat calls in to correct my assertion that the word “polyamory” was coined by Morning Glory Zell. In fact, she used the word “polyamorous;” the word “polyamory” was first used by Jennifer Wesp in the Usenet group in 1992.
• Fred writes in to share that he found his identity as a monoamorist who likes occasional play with others.

25:10 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Mia Martina

A Year of Sex with the sultry Mia Martina

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News and host chat

• Thanks for your patience with our futzing with the audio levels!
• Google Calendar now has 24 colors for all your lovers!
• Congrats to Anita Wagner, Tim Illig and Sarah Taub for great representation of poly in the DC media

5:00 Mia Martina’s A Year of Sex

A yummy interview with the hot and sultry Mia Martina, host of the I Want Your Sex podcast and author of the memoir A Year of Sex, her foray into the world of New York sex clubs. The lovely and talented Mia shares:

• Why podcast first and then the book
• What chapters she got the most feedback on
• If she would recommend the sex club path for someone getting over a bad breakup
• Advice for those going to sex parties for the first time who don’t want to look like they’re going for the first time
• 24:30 Sharing a sexy story

If you’re local to Austin, Texas, find her performance erotica troupe at Bedpost Confessions. Or follow Mia on Twitter.

30:50 Happy Poly Moment

• Lisa from Boston shares a happy poly moment of her boyfriend using her girlfriend to make sure she stayed healthy
• Shaun shares the story of his poly-unsure girlfriend starting to date

33:25 Feedback

Jane shares a happy poly story of being able to share the same bed with her partner.

35:00 Thanks

Thanks to Sean for his donation this week!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

What are the differences between polyamory and polygamy?

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 Announcements and Host chat

• Kick ass birthday with bucakke (bukakke cake!), rope, bruises and hot tub
• What your porn says about you
• Thanks to The Line for interviewing me for Badass Activist Friday!

10:10 Topic: Polyamory vs Polygamy

First, there is a great rundown of polyamory, including an interview with several poly enclaves, in the Winnipeg Free Press. That article on polyamory vs polygamy: “Polyamoury, for the record, is quite distinct from polygamy, which, thanks to TV shows such as the fictional drama Big Love and the reality series Sister Wives, people tend to associate with fundamentalist Mormons who practise plural marriage… Polyamorous relationships are post-modern, secular, egalitarian and consensual.”

Next, check out this Slate article asking whether polygamy as it is traditionally practiced is good for society and does acknowledge “traditional polygamy is a pre-modern institution with religious and patriarchal roots.”

Minx’s take on the five primary differences between traditional polygamy and modern polyamory:

1. Motive: Polyamory has no organized religion or government sanctioning it. Polyamory represents an alternative subculture, so it tends to be characterized by a thoughtful process of self-structuring rather than adopting a model prescribed by religion or the state.
2. Power structure: Polyamory has less tendency toward patriarchy. The pioneers of the poly movement have primarily been women, and there is a generally-accepted undercurrent of egalitarianism (apart from D/s relationships). It’s not unusual for a woman to be the head of the household and the point of the romantic/sexual vee.
3. Acceptance of diversity: More sexual orientations are welcome. Those practicing polyamory are more likely to welcome gay, bi, lesbian, queer and transgendered folks rather than condemn them. There is an acceptance of the value of diversity of sexual preferences and sexual needs.
4. Full consent of all parties involved. Some may disagree, but I would argue that both religion and state sponsorship hinder full consent.
5. Lots of communication and negotiation. Since polyamory is not a given and has no prescribed models, everything can and must be negotiated.

25:10 Feedback

• John called in to encourage folks to do the work and take the time to become proficient at being poly, just as one would practice for hours to become a virtuoso in any field.
• Andy from Michigan shared a gradual coming out story that has lead to his family slowly accepting his and his wife’s OSO.

31:45 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Signs that you might be poly

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Introduction

Under 18? Stop listening now and visit http://www.scarleteen.com

1:00 News

• Our polyamory disaster – tale of swinging, casual sex, non-monogamy, insecurity, lack of communication and lots of drugs – wonder why it didn’t work out
• Introverts Guide to Networking – Written for business, but great for introverts who are into poly and easily overwhelmed in social situations
• Polyamory and the slippery slope – arguing against the slippery slope argument against legalizing gay marriage because it could lead to legalization of poly marriage

8:45 Topic: You might be poly if…

Thanks to all our listeners who responded on Twitter and Facebook to complete this sentence! My favorite responses:

• You have to check three different calendars before you can say yes to a “do you wanna go get a cup of coffee?”
• For the holidays you have an easier time thinking of presents for your boyfriend’s partner than for your boyfriend
• You have run out of colors for your sweethearts on your Google calendar
• You keep a spreadsheet of boundaries
• You and your husband’s boyfriend both remind the waiter not to put parmesan on his spaghetti
• You get genuine pleasure from someone else’s happiness

13:25 Feedback

• J and A ask about the hotwife lifestyle with two questions: did other poly folks find poly through hotwife? And men with a hot wife kink often get off learning intimate details or watching their partner play. From listening to past episodes, we can’t determine if this is uncommon or just rarely discussed in poly circles? (Answer: it’s always discussed whether you want to watch and how much you want to know about sexual activities)
• Olaf asks about pre-poly signals—has anyone noticed poly tendencies in retrospect?

20:10 Wrapup

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