Polyamory readiness question #7: Have you talked to your partner yet?

"Cheaters do at least one honest thing: they acknowledge that one partner can't meet all their needs and that they want to have sex or a relationship with someone other than their current partner. Then they fuck everything up by lying" ~Tristan Taormino, Opening Up

If you have followed this series from the beginning, you've hopefully done the following:

• Taken steps to learn how to love yourself
• Have your own definition of "intimacy"
• Understand what expressions of love you need in a relationship
• Reflected upon how you communicate your thoughts and feelings with others
• Reviewed your methods of conflict resolution
• Established a time management system

  There is one more important stepthat you need to consider:

• If you're already in a relationship, have you talked to your partner?
• If you are single, how do you plan on telling your future partner(s)?

A word of advice and warning

On behalf of those polyfolk that have come before you, and who have learned many life lessons - do not cheat on your partner and then try to bring up that you want a non-monogamous relationship. Even if you think your partner will say yes afterwards- don't do it!  This sort of strategy traumatizes your partner and then puts them in a corner. They will have to decide whether they need to:

• Switch to a non-monogamous relationship. Best case scenario, they actually want to do this. Worst case scenario, they do this for the wrong reasons (to try and save the relationship)
• Say they want to stay monogamous and fight the suspicion that you will cheat again
• Break the relationship. They may see the breach of trust as being too great to heal. They may want a monogamous relationship going forward, and realize that they care about you too much to force you to change to accomodate that.

 The idea of shifting from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous relationship is going to be enough of a system shock. You do not need to add cheating to the mix.

How to come out to your partner

• Create a safe environment.  Avoid bringing up this conversation during holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, et. Those are already going to be emotionally stressful times.  Breaking the topic during a special date night is iffy. Bringing it up immediately after sex is right out.  
• Do not make this a 'hit and run' conversation - choose a time where neither you nor your partner have obligations to tend to right away.  They will probably need some time to mentally process what's going on.  
• Have resources ready.  If your partner is the type where they need to think things over, they may want additional information on how to make this work.  One book that I recommend is Redefining Relationships by Wendy-O Matik.   
• Be patient and understanding. Your partner may not be on board with your desire to switch to a non-monogamous relationship. This revelation may bring up various insecuritites that they may have.  They may react negatively, or need time to think things over. Do not push or rush them.